Loonies at Lollie

What happens when you get 80,000 (often rather peculiar) people crammed together for several days in a relatively small park in high temperatures and high humidity? Hilarity. And many unpleasant odors. Also a clear demonstration that through science and technology, as well as social welfare, mankind has overcome evolution, and survival of the fittest is no longer in play. Ah, Darwinism...may you rest in peace. Anyway, I was up in Chicago a couple of weekends ago to go to the first day of Lollapalooza (which I almost always spell wrong, by the way). As you can imagine, with 80,000 people there, it was easy to pick out the different breeds of lollapaloozites. This is my brief accounting of a few of the more notable ones.

1. Crazy hippie-hemp-wearing-pot-smuggling-free-spirited-counterculturists. I know you've all seen them. They wear organic clothing and keep little baggies of pot rolled up in their tops, along with blown-glass pipes. They often have unshaven armpits/legs and deliciously sticky-looking hair. Yes, no soap, razors, or shampoo for them. They're one with nature. And you don't see the majestic beasts of mother earth using those. And honestly, who wouldn't want to be more like a malodorous, flea-ridden, sewage-eating rodent?

2. The I-was-alive-during-the-60s-and-70s-and-was-totally-awesome-and-
protested-the-Vietnam-War-and-now-even-though-I'm-a-middle-aged-paunchy-man-
I'm-still-hip-enough-to-hang-it-with-the-teens-and-20 somethings group. A somewhat ostracized subset of the crazy hippie-hemp-wearing-pot-
smuggling-free-spirited-counterculturists. Primarily male, these shirtless, rotund older folk attempt to reconnect with their inner child by attending musical events targeted toward younger groups. They can usually be seen nodding to music created by singers who weren't even born by the time they tapped into their IRAs, their portly bodies vibrating in time with each thump of bass.

3. The frat boys who want to impress people by saying, in an off-handed way, "Yeah, I was at Lollapalooza last summer and (insert impressive fact/tale of stupidity)." Their tanned, bare torsos paired with plaid J. Crew style shorts are this group's most distinguishing feature. While they may also be recognized by their trademark beer-in-a-solo-cup, this characteristic can be misleading, as all alcoholic beverages at Lollapalooza are sold in this ubiquitous plastic cup.

4. Indie-listening, vintage clothes-wearing, mainstream-eschewing elitists. While many concert-goers drive or take public transport into the city, these individuals (although willing to utilize public transport) favor riding their fixed-gear, pannier-draped bicycles to the concert venue. They typically weave through street and sidewalk traffic with a frightening disregard for their own and other's safety, and avoid wearing helmets as these may upset their carefully styled, side-swept, artistically disheveled-looking hair. They often wear skinny jeans. This is not to say they are all skinny; rather, they have a remarkable ability to avoid the physical conundrums of density and volume, and can somehow (perhaps by increasing density and thereby decreasing volume) condense enough to fit in absurdly small skinny jeans. Additionally, they favor dark clothing and pallid skin. Because of this, they are often confused with those known as "emo." Like indie elitists, emo practitioners favor skinny jeans, side-swept black-dyed hair, and pallid skin. However, they are more likely to be wearing spikes and to sport numerous thin scars on the inside of their arms as a result of their extreme emotional trauma. The definitive method for distinguishing between an emo and an indie elitist is to ask if they prefer Panic! At the Disco or The Arcade Fire.

5. The oft-looked for, but rarely found, normal person. Unique by her lack of any characteristic that can be construed as "weird," "strange," or "inane," this exceptional red-headed individual can only be seen at Lollapalooza at an approximate rate of 1 in every 80,000. Articulate, clever, exceedingly intelligent, athletic, technically-savvy, and humble, she is a sought-after commodity in a sea of hippies, old men, frat boys, and indie elitists.