Mmm...concerts...

So my friend managed to get some tickets to the Bright Eyes show last night. I'm sure most people haven't heard of Bright Eyes, but it's probably the most successful band on the indie label Saddle Creek Records (in fact, Saddle Creek was created by Bright Eyes), which is based here in Omaha. Anyway, Saddle Creek and 1% Productions team up to bring a lot of small shows here, and it was the 10 year anniversary of 1% Productions, so they thought, let's bring back Bright Eyes! It was a good show, but I feel obliged to make some suggestions to both 1% Productions and to all the people who attend concerts:

1. 1% Productions: Don't EVER bring back the band Flowers are Forever as an opener. Seriously. They're awful. No, really. They are. I know. Not only did I have the misfortune of listening to them last night, they also opened for The Faint when they came. I like to say they're an assault on all the senses. In one song, their lyrics for several minutes consisted of "Flowers are forever (creepy Nazi-esque salute arm wave-y thing), flowers are forever (repeat creepy Nazi-esque salute arm wave-y thing), etc." But merely sticking burning pokers into your ears will not save you. Because you would still see the lead singer moving in grotesque gyrations that, without the proper protection--i.e. people blocking him from view--will sear themselves onto your retinas, forever tainting the way you see the world. Hence, I recommend hot pokers to ears and eyes. They also burn gross incense on stage. And I'm sure that if one were to accidentally touch them, one's fingers would require amputation after exposure to the rancid sheen of old sweat, various drugs, and who-knows-what-else that makes their skin glisten in such an unnatural way.

2. Girls with large purses: Please do not stand behind me anymore. Please do not turn to look at your friends every five seconds for validation of your existence, bowling me over with said large purse every time. Please do not stick your cell phone in front of my face so you can get a better angle of Bright Eyes in your picture. Please do not be so anxious to take the front row spot of the fainting girl directly in front of me that you block the club guy who is trying to help her. After taking her spot in a survival-of-the-fittest fashion, when you stand in front of me, please do not continue to turn to look at your friends every five second for validation of your existence. Also, please do not randomly step back, thereby bringing my face dangerously close to your frizzy ponytail and trapping me in a single square foot of space that is also bordered by random, obnoxious jumping guy and dancing girl. In fact, please never go to a concert again.

3. Random, obnoxious jumping guys: Please don't push me over at the very end of the show in your eagerness to get closer to the stage. Please do not have spastic dancing seizures when you are within 300 feet of me. If you must have dancing seizures when you are closer than 300 feet, please try not to land on me each time you jump/convulse. And for heaven's sake, go see a neurologist! I think you might have epilepsy.

4. Dancing girls: Really, I don't swing that way. Please don't dance that close to me or bump into me. All it does is knock me off balance and make me very disgruntled.

5. People in general: Please don't go into some sort of religious/musical ecstasy/rapture trance over your favorite band. It's creepy. And it reminds me of some sort of cult. You know, the ones where Charles Manson is like, "go kill some people," and you're like, "I love you Charles!" and then you go kill people.

By the way, I really did have fun at the concert. I just think that a few simple changes will drastically improve my enjoyment. And after all, isn't everything done specifically for my enjoyment? No? What? The world doesn't revolve around me? Stupid.