Kyle showed me this hilarious video of a newscast from Mobile, Alabama. He's from the northwest area of Florida, and tells me that occasionally they'll catch segments of the news from Mobile. Seriously, this is an actual newscast. According to Kyle, it's rather characteristic of Mobile, which makes me totally want to move there just so I can live out the rest of my life in a state of constant entertainment.
He also showed me this amazing remix of the newscast. I almost died watching this. Literally. I laughed so hard that I think I nearly suffered an aneurysm. There's really just nothing more I can say about how awesome this is.
"It could be a crackhead...."
"This suit wards off spells..."
"This is a special leprechaun flute that's been passed down from THOUSANDS OF YEARS ago by my GREAT-GREAT-GRANDFATHER"
"I wanna know where da gold's at. I want da gold. Gimme da gold."
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Monday, January 14, 2008
The Eye Twitch
This is a post about The Eye Twitch. I'm capitalizing it because I've now had it for so long that it's coalesced from a minute annoyance on the fringes of consciousness into its own entity, a living blight that threatens to drive me to insanity. The Eye Twitch took its fledgling breaths early in December, appearing as a brief series of muscle spasms in my left eyelid. Since that time, it's slowly been gathering strength, repeatedly occurring at the most inconvenient times. Indeed, I can only conclude that the people at my workplace consider me to be some sort of pirate, what with my twitchy eye and the fact that often the only thing that makes it bearable is to scrunch it up in an "Arr, matey!" sort of look. That, or perhaps they think I have Tourette's. If so, I may take advantage by yelling profanities and inappropriate comments whenever I feel like it.
Regardless, I don't believe I actually have Tourette's, nor am I a pirate (although that would be some swashbuckling fun). I was driven in desperation a few days ago to search for eye twitching on the internet, and found several sites that blame the cause on anxiety, fatigue, and stress. Also, genetics may play a role. And I did find out that my mom has had previous eye twitching episodes, as well. So I could blame her for it. But, I've actually come up with my own theory for the cause behind The Eye Twitch. Here it is: my eyelid is so sick of being attached to my body that it's gradually building up its strength to make its big escape, possibly while I'm asleep to prevent me from forcing it to stay. And to be completely honest, I don't blame it, and I've long suspected some of my limbs of plotting escape. So it comes as no surprise. Unfortunately, I can't just let it go, you know? I mean, where would my eye be if I had no eyelid? All dried up and frankly, kind of freaky looking. Plus, then my eye would probably rebel and make it's own escape, and I'm sure that would just start a chain reaction. First the eyelid, then the eye, then what? Anyway, the point is, I'm actually on the verge of ripping off my eyelid and gouging out my eye.
Regardless, I don't believe I actually have Tourette's, nor am I a pirate (although that would be some swashbuckling fun). I was driven in desperation a few days ago to search for eye twitching on the internet, and found several sites that blame the cause on anxiety, fatigue, and stress. Also, genetics may play a role. And I did find out that my mom has had previous eye twitching episodes, as well. So I could blame her for it. But, I've actually come up with my own theory for the cause behind The Eye Twitch. Here it is: my eyelid is so sick of being attached to my body that it's gradually building up its strength to make its big escape, possibly while I'm asleep to prevent me from forcing it to stay. And to be completely honest, I don't blame it, and I've long suspected some of my limbs of plotting escape. So it comes as no surprise. Unfortunately, I can't just let it go, you know? I mean, where would my eye be if I had no eyelid? All dried up and frankly, kind of freaky looking. Plus, then my eye would probably rebel and make it's own escape, and I'm sure that would just start a chain reaction. First the eyelid, then the eye, then what? Anyway, the point is, I'm actually on the verge of ripping off my eyelid and gouging out my eye.
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
Life in Dundee
So it's that most glorious time of the year again. You know what time I'm talking about. No, not the holidays, stupid. It's January, for crying out loud. I mean the time of year when my car is constantly covered with the sugar-salt-sand mix they plaster on the roads, when my parking lot turns into a skating rink for automobiles, and when the wind is so cold that I'm in constant danger of losing fingers and toes. Yes, it is that time. And let me tell you, I love it. Please, let me give you just a couple of examples of why it is, indeed, so wonderful.
First, freezing rain. Need I say more? Oh yes, yes I do. There's nothing quite like driving with both your windshield wipers on full speed and your defrost on full blast because the rain freezes on the glass if you don't. Unless it's walking out to your car the next morning and discovering that someone has replaced it with a 1997 Honda Civic-shaped ice sculpture. (As a side note, it took me fifteen minutes to chisel off the quarter inch of ice from my driver side window.)
Second, the lack of anything resembling a snow plow in the entire city of Omaha. Instead, they use a technique colloquially referred to (by me) as "sprinkling the snow and slush with crap in an effort to permanently disrupt the ecosystem by removing the nation's topsoil and mixing it with salt and sugar, thereby contaminating said topsoil and preventing its further use in agricultural settings, which doesn't matter anyway because it's no longer in an agricultural setting, unless you count the streets of Omaha since they're now covered with a nice, thick layer of sediment." You have to admit it's pretty amazing to come home from your vacation (all the while driving on the sandy morass of the streets) and find that the parking lot behind your apartment building is a solid sheet of 2 inch thick ice. And you thought tire chains were just for driving up canyons to ski resorts.
Finally, I'd like to say how much I enjoy the freezing temperatures coupled with gale-force winds, which seem to be concentrated in the fifty feet of space located directly in front of the entry to my work place. It's very invigorating, that life or death challenge of reaching the door. How many people have the good fortune to wake up in the morning, think, "Today I may lose my pinkie on my way to work," then drag themselves out of their warm bed to face the excruciating pain of slowly freezing to death?
First, freezing rain. Need I say more? Oh yes, yes I do. There's nothing quite like driving with both your windshield wipers on full speed and your defrost on full blast because the rain freezes on the glass if you don't. Unless it's walking out to your car the next morning and discovering that someone has replaced it with a 1997 Honda Civic-shaped ice sculpture. (As a side note, it took me fifteen minutes to chisel off the quarter inch of ice from my driver side window.)
Second, the lack of anything resembling a snow plow in the entire city of Omaha. Instead, they use a technique colloquially referred to (by me) as "sprinkling the snow and slush with crap in an effort to permanently disrupt the ecosystem by removing the nation's topsoil and mixing it with salt and sugar, thereby contaminating said topsoil and preventing its further use in agricultural settings, which doesn't matter anyway because it's no longer in an agricultural setting, unless you count the streets of Omaha since they're now covered with a nice, thick layer of sediment." You have to admit it's pretty amazing to come home from your vacation (all the while driving on the sandy morass of the streets) and find that the parking lot behind your apartment building is a solid sheet of 2 inch thick ice. And you thought tire chains were just for driving up canyons to ski resorts.
Finally, I'd like to say how much I enjoy the freezing temperatures coupled with gale-force winds, which seem to be concentrated in the fifty feet of space located directly in front of the entry to my work place. It's very invigorating, that life or death challenge of reaching the door. How many people have the good fortune to wake up in the morning, think, "Today I may lose my pinkie on my way to work," then drag themselves out of their warm bed to face the excruciating pain of slowly freezing to death?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
